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Current Music:Jurassic 5 - The Game
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Subject:Shit poem
Time:05:17 pm
Current Mood:artistic
You gave me your trust
And I hope I did not,
Squander or take it for granted


My fear is,
Of misplaced touches and connections
Did it really happen?
Or was it an illusion.
Too gentle...
Strange stirrings, yearning for contact.


Reaching out.
What are you thinking?
Enigmatic behaviour, veiled feelings
Hinder my progress,
Into...
Out of your corporeal form.


You gave me your soul
No aural, no visual.
Only...
Sensations. Which spoke more words,
Than a picture ever could.


Am I building this scenario in my mind?
Creating a false portrait, from a broken memory
My point of view may be flawed
But my opinions of you,
Can never be skewed

______________________________________________________

I would appreciate some feedback on this.
comments: Leave a comment Previous Entry Share Next Entry


mightymonju
Link:(Link)
Time:2004-11-25 03:01 am (UTC)
I like the feeling you're evoking here. The execution feels choppy to me though, especially in the first three stanzas; was that intentional? I think the commas (lines 2, 4, and 13) contribute to that. Usually a line break signals a pause, even without the comma. You only really need one if you're trying to emphasize that pause, which I don't sense you're going for. But I could be wrong.

It also seems to me (hey, you asked for feeback!) that if you're going to open the poem with those three lines in that first stanza, you should probably riff more on the "squandering" or the "taking it for granted". I mean I can see how you're trying to expound on those themes in stanzas two and three, but it feels disjointed and not as connected as it could be. And actually the last two stanzas feel thematically disconnected from the rest of the poem to, moving away from the idea of wasting a relationship to questioning its very existance. Which is fine, I think it just needs to be tied together better.

Again, just one man's humble opinion. By the by, this is the kind of feedback I look for when I post stuff. =)
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